Well, you read that right, tomorrow is my last day at work.

Am I sad? Not really. Maybe because I haven't bonded with anyone in the department. It just feels like any other rotation for me. But this time, I'm not being rotated in Makati or Pasay. I will leave for good. I must've gotten numbed and used to it already, leaving a department is just a common thing. Plus, nobody will be sad when I leave, so why should I, right?

Well, I guess I'm sad about that. If I would get sad about something in this whole resignation thing is that nobody will be sad to see me go. It feels like nobody will miss me and that they are more excited to see me leave and find me a replacement in the office. I dunno. But that's how I always think.

I've experienced quite a lot of leaving the office and I rarely hear someone tell me they will miss me. Maybe a couple of people would say that. But the people who I expected to say that to me, just didn't. While some people would get a little despedida party and crying session on the side, I would just receive a text or just a simple 'see you soon' before leaving for work. I'm used to feeling like this every single time for the past 5 years.

Call this a pity party, but I guess it is and I'm all alone in here.

You know that feeling like you are never wanted anywhere? That feeling that everybody just don't mind whether you're there or not? That feeling like you never mattered to them and it's okay to just see you leave and not even make you feel special one last time? That's how I feel like at work. Even my close friends at work makes me feel that way. Maybe it's my fault for not being in touch as much. But I tried and they act cold towards me most of the time. 

I always feel like this at home as well, specially when my mom gets mad at me for the way I talk and act around them. It feels like I'm not welcome in this house. A burden to them, specially now I'm resigning from my job. When she gets mad, she would often say I'm a horrible person and I'm a fake towards my friends. That I'm the worst daughter anyone could ever have. And I would often believe her. I would just feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, not worthy of any love. I would doubt myself often if I deserve it. I even always ask my husband if he loves me and why. He finds it funny though, but would always answer and say the right thing. On that part, I must say I'm lucky.

When I'm sad I would often wonder, what if I disappear all of a sudden, will anybody miss me? Would anyone care if I'm not there anymore? Would they be sad? And my mind would always answer: "Maybe not. Maybe none. You're good as gone."

Morbid, I know. But I can't help but to think that way. Don't worry, I'm in no state of mind to do that sad thing. I'm too chicken to do that. But sometimes I feel I want to just be gone from the lives of these people around me just to see if I matter to them. Maybe run away to some far off land or something. 

Oh well, enough of these depressing thoughts. I'm gonna feel more depressed tomorrow anyway.

Good night.

Labels: emoshit, family, friends, work