So I've been back to work for more than two weeks now. It's still the same but much better than I expected while I was still in quarantine. I was actually expecting my boss to kick me out as soon as I get back to work. But the weird thing is, he's starting to be nice. I rarely see him now get angry over minute things and he does some small talks with me whenever we see each other at the pantry. I'm actually glad that praying for him worked. Going to work still feels the same, but a bit better.

I still feel unmotivated and not good enough compared to my officemates. And that feeling sucks specially if you feel that way every day. The feeling of constant fear that you might get some work done wrong, and doing small talk with your officemates is a huge hurdle everyday. Everyday is just the same and to be honest, I want to change things in my life. But I don't know where to start. All I know is that I need to quit my job so I could start fresh

Last week I had another check up with my OBGYN. I told her my meds didn't work and I'm still unable to get pregnant while the hubby was here. Her immediate response to me is that I need to loose weight to get the results I wanted. That's why she advised me to get my blood tested. And there I found out that my blood sugar levels are just a few points near diabetic. 

When mom found out she quickly scared the hell out of me and told me that it's in our genes to be diabetic so I better get back in shape. Or else. At the back of my head, thoughts of quitting work started to creep again. I mean, if I need to get back in shape, I need to be 100% into it. And that is also one of my reasons why I wanted to quit work: to concentrate on taking care of my health and be healthy enough to bear a child soon. I don't know. Am I just making excuses just so I can quit my job? Is my reason not valid enough for me to quit.

When I told my mom that quitting my job is more necessary at this situation, she got a bit mad. She says that she can't support me anymore if ever I don't have a job, that I wouldn't be able to buy things for myself or for them anymore and that my husband might not be able to provide for me since he still provides for his parents. All those scary consequences. And she said none about the positive things that might happen. I dunno. I feel sad and torn.

I wanna quit my job so I could get pregnant, get in shape and live a stress free life for at least a year. Then maybe while doing that I might get to study stuff I'm passionate about like graphics design and try freelancing a bit. I wanna quit soon so I could start with my plan because time is running out. I just can't start doing it while I'm still working since most of my time is dedicated to my job. But my mom feels like I just want to quit my job and I don't have a fallback. Do you need a fallback all the time when you quit something? She said I need to have a fallback like a new job or a business before I could quit my job. But looking for a fallback right now doesn't sound feasible since I'm always tire after work.

I wanna change my life. I wanna do something for myself and it sucks that you can't because people depend on your decisions. I just wanna be happy in what I do. I don't wanna be scared of the consequences and just do it for my health. But it seems like I can't. At least for now.

Lord, please show me the right thing to do. Give me the right reason to leave or stay. Please Lord. I need your help and guidance. :(

Labels: emoshit, family, work