I've been crying a few times tonight. I don't know if it has something to do with having my period or something else. Everything is a big deal to me. It seems like I'm being so sensitive about how people are treating me lately. Simple things makes my eyes fill up and remembering how people at work act towards me today made me finally cry. Before you assume anything, let me say that my co-workers are not being mean to me. It's just that they're doing something to make me feel this way. Alone. Ignored. Invisible. I'm not asking for attention from these people, but I guess, there's something inside of me that needs attention. I've been getting less and less of it and it saddens me. Because before, I used to laugh so hard everyday. But now, all I have are fake grins and forced laughs. People at work are already pairing up with their buddies. For short, they're finally having their "best friends" there. The ones they share food and secrets with. While me, I keep things to myself cuz nobody cares. Some of them cared, but just to be nice. No one really cared because they do. Most of the time while everybody pairs up with their buddy, I just sit alone on my table pretending to be sleepy and pretending not to be in the mood for any social interaction. Nobody even dared to ask and sit around with me to make sure I'm okay.

It also hurts me whenever they joke around about me. How they sometimes tells me to shut up when I'm asking them something. How I've never had a boyfriend since birth. How this officemate of mine told me to get off the jeep we're riding home and how this other officemate of mine jokingly called me a freak. I know jokes are half meant sometimes. And mind you, these people are the ones I trust with my thoughts about my other officemates. I don't know who to trust anymore.

Maybe that's why I end up putting walls around me. I don't wanna speak my mind anymore because I cant trust anybody about what I really feel. People I know just come to me when they need me, and will just leave me when they don't. Now I'm afraid to let others know what I really feel and what I'm thinking. Because first, they don't give a crap about what I have say. And second, I know they will blow me off for someone better later. So I guess, I hate everybody now in the office.

I couldn't help but cry about this because as far as I can see, I've been good to them. I never did anything wrong. So why do I deserve to feel this way towards them and myself? I feel like I'm not worth of anybody's time and attention. Nobody's willing to break down the walls I built around myself. Nobody cares no matter what I do.

Labels: emoshit, work