This inferiority crap is growing on me. I dunno. It's just now that I have realized that if I'm uninteresting in person, I'm more (or starting) to be uninteresting in the net. My online friends are gone just like my real life ones. Well, maybe I'm just exaggerating when I noticed my frequently commented blog friends skipped to comment on my blog. See? I'm really whacked. But this small thing is big deal for me specially if the people involved are of utmost importance to me... or something like that. It just saddens me that these people (online or offline friends) are not concerned about how I feel while here I'am acting all concerned or interested.

Maybe these people mistake my concern as fake cuz sometimes I really tend to look or sound stupid when I ask or comment about other people's lives. Well, offline I just nod or say it's okay with a spaced out look on my face or a faint smile. While online, I tend to talk about myself too much. Yeah, I guess that's it. In the real world, I don't know how I can express myself verbally. It must be some kind of sickness I have. But most of the time, I have nobody I could trust to tell these suppressed feelings I have so I end up talking too much online about my life in general. My comments on other people's blogs usually has me talking about me this and that. Which I guess made them sort of hate me. Everybody hates and 'atribidang' commenter.

I'm so whacked. I get depressed over this silly thing! But I don't know. It just adds up to the conclusion that I'm very unlikable and I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

The other thing that made me say that is that I have this feeling that my boss doesn't like me. Not that he treats me bad, it's just he's not easing up with me unlike with my other officemates, he jokes around with them, chats with them. But me, he's formal as ever. I'm always his last choice if he need some help with something. He never asks me favors. I can feel this huge thick wall between us. I know that's okay in an office environment, to have professionalism and such towards your coworkers, but seeing how he treats my other officemates makes me wonder why he treats me differently. He's friends almost with everyone but me.

I really have no idea why these people part away from me. I guess it's my fault that I rarely keep in touch or open up to them. But something inside me wants to be sought at. I need people to reach out to me. Cuz as far as I can see, nobody's reaching out to me. I'm tired of being always the one reaching out. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay and insist on asking me until I say anything other than 'yes'. I guess I'm slowly becoming a very complicated person. I can't trust easily and being so attached to someone is a scary thought cuz I don't wanna get hurted.

I guess nobody's gonna stand with me under my umbrella or dig me up under what's covering the better part of me. :(

Labels: emoshit, friends, work